Thursday, February 16, 2006

I'll have what she's having

I don't even know what to say.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sick of being sick

I’m tired of waking up tired.

One week post-lap and it still hurts when I sneeze, cough or laugh. Two of the three incisions are healing up nicely, but my belly button is a gnarled mess. I don’t think I’ll ever get back my perfect ‘inny’. But I suppose that’s the least of my worries.

The surgery went well. They did what they needed to do. One tube removed, one endometrioma drained, and a fair amount of endometriosis lasered (there’s quite a lot of it in there). My doctor was conservative and careful, just as he’d promised to be. My friend the anaesthetist held my hand as I fell asleep.

In the recovery room I asked whether they’d be giving me any pain killers. Oh you’ll be okay for a couple of hours, the nurse said. We gave you a codeine suppository. Great. While I was under full anaesthetic someone shoved a pill in my but. Which nurse got that job?

Although I went back to work after resting at home for a day, I’ve been taking full advantage of my situation. My husband has been a very very good nurse ferrying cups of tea, toast, soup, juice, Tylenol etc. to me as I lay in bed or on the couch.

I'm hoping this is the end of the ‘losing body parts’ chapter of my life. I mean, how many reproductive bits can a woman lose before they don’t call her a woman? I’m down to one damaged tube and a portion of an ovary.

FSH tested yesterday and it’s shot up to 18.
Yes, it could be a temporary reaction to the surgery…my ovary is quite possibly pissed off at being manhandled. We’ll see what happens next month.

Thalia and I seem to be in a similar situation- trying to rest the ovaries (ovary in my case) enough so that they/it will respond to stimulation, but wait too long and the endo will come back. In my case, suppressing the endo with BCPs is not an option- my ovary will just fall asleep and not wake up. The Antagonist approach is also a no-go since I’ve ovulated (twice!) through the Antagonist. I’m too tired to come up with a plan. I want someone else to figure it out and to just tell me what to do.

Next post will be more happy clappy. Promise.

Monday, February 06, 2006


Here's the plan for tomorrow as outlined in this email from my doctor, typos and all.

"Dear N, had a nice talk with dr. NY - he recommends 1) remove L tube if possible (clip if too surgically challenging due to previous scar) 2) drain or remove endometrioma --he cited cases of elevated FSH that returned to normal after removal of bilateral endometriomas --? due to better ovarian functioning due to improved blood flow?? 3) Leave right tuba alone if normal -no concern about embryos staying in a normal right tube after transfer --remove of clip if right hydrosalpinx. D"

Now that I've made it through the bookclub meeting I AM anxious about tomorrow.
I know that it's just a routine, out-patient procedure.
I've requested that a friend of mine be the anaesthetist and my doctor is a careful surgeon. I know I'm in good hands.
The thing is, I'm getting flashbacks to 3 years ago, when I went to the hospital for a 'routine lap' and woke up hours later with 25 staples across my abdomen and minus an ovary.

Once they take a look inside who knows what they'll find and what they'll decide to do. I really don't want to wake up without any tubes. I wish there was a way they could wake me up half way through the procdure & say, "okay, here's what we've got...what would you like us to do?".
I want to hang onto one tube, even if it comprimises future IVF success, just to have that tiny sliver hope that one day a miracle could happen? Is that silly?

Hope. Hanging by a tiny thread of a tube.

Friday, February 03, 2006

quick question

Can any brit readers out there help me out?

How easy or difficult is it to get from Gatwick airport to Heathrow?
If I had 1 night and 1 day to spend in London, where should I stay and what should I do?
Have you been to Dublin?
Did you enjoy it?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

with friends like these

Bookclub tomorrow.
I'm more anxious about the bookclub meeting than I am about my upcoming lap (scheduled for next week).

I don't really want to go but, aside from my sister and husband, this is pretty much the only social interaction I get. Pathetic huh?
I've known most of these women for years, but I am a late comer to their smug-married & fertile clique. When we first started socializing with them (joining the couples dinner party circuit) the talk of toddlers and schools and daycares didn't bother me. I just assumed I would be joining their world in a month or two. Well, we know how that turned out.

I really don't know if they have any idea of my IVF status.
They've never asked. I've never offered.

They do know that we want children and that years have gone by and we have none.
IF they were friends, wouldn't one of them have called me at some point and said "are you alright?".
But they never have.

I clearly recall a bookclub meeting we had about a year and a half ago.
I was recovering from another negative cycle, and trying to nurse my mother through chemo sessions (my father was in Europe for work). I had just found out that I was losing my job. My husband was away at a conference and I'd just had a car accident.
I arrived at bookclub and everyone was huddled around one of the women, fussing over her because (horrors) she had hurt her knee while sailing (!)*.
Everyone was so concerned about her well being. She's hurt! Look at the swelling! Isn't it awful!

And I thought, do I even want to be friends with them?
That entire evening (and in the months afterwords) never once did anyone of them care to call or email me and say "how's your mum doing?". Wouldn't you do that for your friend?
They're busy planning the next home renovation, making holiday plans, arranging summer camps, and planning birthday parties.
Aha! you say. They don't know about your IF struggles. If they did they would show some sympathy.

Well, yes and no.
They do know that I had a pretty major surgery to have my ovary removed. And early on in my marriage I had talked to them about how I wanted to have babies right away. So, shouldn't they be able to link this together?
Want babies--have none.
Ergo, something is wrong.

I'm being a bit unfair by lumping them all together.
The 'core' of the group is the smug-married-fertiles. They each have 2-3 children. They vacation together, their children go to the same school, they are always lunching together and planning dinners (far too often in my opinion).

There is one single woman, closely connected to this 'core', who adopted a girl from Serbia two years ago. Her motherhood cements her membership in their club. Another member is single and in her early 40s. Sometimes I detect a flicker of annoyance in her face when they start talking about their children and fabulous spouses, but I think she hides it much better than me. Another member is a little older. Her husband and mine are colleagues. Her children are teenagers. I like her best and sometimes think that I would like to confide in her, but it would be a little like talking to my mother.

I don't even like the books they choose most of the time, or what they say about them.
I could stop going, but my life is intertwined with their lives (because of work and spouses and the fact that this town is much too small). So I try to maintain this cordial and superficial relationship with them.

I've always loved reading and being in a bookclub encourages me to browse the bookstore shelves and scan the weekend book reviews. Just this weekend I finished reading the entire collected works of Jane Austen and found it immensely satisfying.

*Sailing, in their sailboat which they purchased while we were purchasing friggin gonal-F and repronex.
Sailing with her 2 children (10 and 8) who she managed to give birth to and raise while completing a Masters and PhD. She's my age for god's sake. In the 10 years I've known her she's managed to get a PhD, two children and a sailboat.
I've got a debit card and a container full of sharps.