Sunday, March 11, 2007

finding it harder and harder

In the past, oh...how long has it been now? 4 years? 5, 6?...there have been ups and downs (well, mostly downs) There have been days and weeks when I thought "I cannot do this anymore". But I did always manage to recover, to move on and to take the next step that would hopefully get me towards an increasingly impossible goal.

This time it feels like the grey clouds overhead are lingering. I've yet to make it through a day without some tears. Maybe I would be less bitter/depressed/cynical/pessimistic if even a small part of the past few years had been bearable. It hasn't been. It's pretty much all been crap.
It seems that at every point if there something that could have gone wrong, it did. If there was a way that things could have gotten worse, they did.

We didn't just do IVF cycles, we did long-distance out of town cycles.
8 times.
With not a single penny of insurance coverage.
I didn't just need FSH. I needed massive doses of hormones for 17+ days.
Which still resulted in 2 cancelled cycles.
With not a single penny of insurance.
I didn't just have endometriosis. I lost an ovary and a tube.
On opposite sides, just to make sure that what remains will be completely useless to me.
We didn't get a single moment of even transient happiness (the possibility of a + beta, the hope that maybe this cycle wasn't also a complete bust). (Is it redundant to say 'moment of transient happiness'. Aren't all moments transient by definition?).
And we didn't go through this while everything else was running smoothly.
We went through this while helping my mom deal with cancer and subsequent surgery/chemo/radiation (cycle 2-3), my brother in-law's suicide (cycle 3), job loss (cycle 4-5).
And while my husband was able to provide a shoulder to cry on for a while he can't really handle it anymore. Any weakness/sadness on my part frightens him. He spirals towards depression or looks for an escape. I end up consoling and comforting him telling him "I'm fine. Everything will be okay". But really I'm thinking "I am not fine. Oh my god, when will things get better? I can't take care of you, I need someone to take care of me. Help. Help."

And all the while, nephews and neices (even a grand-nephew) are born.
Co-workers, neighbours and former friends are effortlessly increasing their broods. They are buying sailboats and taking holidays because they have not injected all their savings into their abdomen or ass. They talk about new volvos, and summer camps, and renting cottages for their families. They show me pictures of newborns and birthday parties. I could show them my overflowing sharps container and pictures of 17 now dead embryos. But that's hardly a conversation starter.

Even among bloggers, I have turned out to be a complete loser in this IVF game.
Some of you (newcomers! upstarts!) were fortunate enough to have a short journey.
Others who started this journey along with me are now mothers to 2 or 3 ('we only transferred one embryo and I gave birth to healthy twins!').
I'm a super infertile among pregnant infertiles.
And before you take me for a complete bitch, YES I am happy that you are not dealing with this shit anymore.
I just want to be you, and not me. Okay?
I would trade places with just about anyone right now.

All this is to say, I don't know what to say or do any more.
I am still out there checking on some of you. But I won't be giving anymore tedious, pathetic updates on my life. Not for the next little while. I am tired.

Lynnette, RobberBarren and MannaBanana- wow!
Drew- you've been through so much. I'm really excited for you and the apeman.
Krista- I'm glad things are progressing well.
Thalia, Mare, Lut C, Sparkle- I know you're not exactly in the home stretch, but I am thinking good thoughts for all of you.
Liana, Millie and Pamplemousse- I wish I had half the strength and resilience you do.
Zanity and Zarqa- where are you? I miss you both.
JennaM- I think of you often and I hope everything is well. I love reading your new blog.
Kay- I'm glad you're out there and appreciate the emails.

And to everyone else (julianna, shazz, aurelia etc.) who has offered advice or a kind word: Thank You.
Really, truly.
It has helped. I do appreciate it.


22 Comments:

At 5:19 PM, Blogger Bumble said...

Nina, I'm so so sorry. I always check your blog hoping for good news from you and I know you don't post often but I'll keep checking. You of all people deserve this now and if I could somehow force the universe into blessing you I'd do it. I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time, you are a strong brave woman and you'll make it through this. Look after yourself, I'm thinking of you x

 
At 4:00 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Oh Nina it is just incredibly hard. I'm glad you updated us, but so sorry to hear that things are just going on being really tough and really sad for you and your husband.

Thank you for the good wishes. i'll keep on checking in on you.

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger Kay said...

I know too well what it is like to be stuck in a life where everything that could go wrong does. I'm so sorry that you do, too.

Even if you stop updating, I will keep on emailing and checking on you, friend. You are not alone.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Hi Nina, I hear you. I'm so sorry that it's all been crap. I'm still around, just didn't feel like posting for a while. It seemed every other infertile in their late 30s was getting knocked up for the first or second time with just sex, and then there was me, and you.

And then when I felt like posting, I had somehow locked myself out of my own blog and username, and can't post and can't even comment on most blogs. Blogger has been of no help. Oh the irony, I can't even blog correctly! I don't have the energy to start a new blog and let folks know my new username.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wishing it were better.

zhl

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger elizabeth said...

Nina,
I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and are still going through. I know that nothing I say can truly help, but just know that you are not alone.
Elizabeth

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger Krista said...

Nina I have thought of you so often and wondered how you were doing. But I guess all along I knew, I knew that it could not be good or we would have heard from you.

I have nothing to say, I am just so sorry. So sorry that it has been so hard, so sorry that it has been so consuming and so sorry that it is not over.

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger Aurelia said...

I'm sorry, Nina, I'm so sorry. It seems to inadequate to say, but it's all I've got.

I'm still keeping you on my bloglines and I'll be here anytime if you want to email me.

Please take care of yourself...you sound very depressed and down, and I'm worried about you.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Drawing the shortest straw in a community of people who have already drawn a short straw, that is truly an unenviable position. Wishing things were different is utterly unhelpful, but what else can I offer?

I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry your loss is going largely unrecognized by the people around you, there is no ritual, no collective mourning to share your grief.

I want to mourn with you, but am not sure how.

Thank you for your support and kind words, it means a lot to me.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger Zarqa said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. And I know of what you speak. I've been MIA too, for different reasons. Something good actually happened, is happening, and I'm only now slowly getting ready, maybe, to tell people about it.
There is life after this. There has to be.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Millie said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry this has been so especially hard on you. It really just sucks.

Rest up. Take good care of yourself. I do hope you'll update again (or email) because I do so enjoy hearing from you.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger JennaM said...

Nina, thank you, for whatever that's worth. The few reassuring things that you've said to me have made a huge huge difference to me in being able to have a healthy perception of my situation. I wish I had something to offer that could do the same for you. All can say is I hope that something wonderful falls into your lap the way it did mine. Sending all my best wishes for everything good in the world...

Love,
JennaM

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger Sammy-Sam said...

My name's Lesley and I don't know where to start except that your story pretty much matches my own in one way or another. I've been ttc for approx 15 yrs. I'm now 42. I've nursed both parents through cancer to their respective ends on this planet.I've watched all of my childhood friends and colleagues have children, either assisted or otherwise. I do not own my own home. I have very little savings.

I'm not about to start preaching to you about bright sides, and letting go and all. I don't take well to preaching so, I'm not about to do it to anyone else! Suffice it to say, I've just read your heart-wrenching blog and well, my humanity wouldn't let me pass it by without writing to you.

I will say that your kind thoughts to your friends in the middle of all of this speaks volumes about your own humanity and the type of person you are. What a wonderfully kind and compassionate person you must be. Your friends seem to think so too.

I hope some sunshine breaks through for you soon, even if just for a bit.

It seems many are sending as much positive energy as they can your way and so, I will add mine to theirs.

Please take care of yourself.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger Sparkle said...

I've read and come back to your post a couple of times, but haven't been able to find the right words to write.

For a long time I felt the same, the worst case around, the case that no one else ever wanted to be or become. Even now in my RL, I have a friend starting IVF who I'm sure is scared of becoming a case like me. She even said to me - that the doc hadn't had to mention DE to her yet.

I didn't find any relief from the pain I was feeling, but I did figure out that I had to make a decision to enjoy life while still looking for my solution.

I think I only ever managed to pass myself off as, at least partly normal, because I had my blog and I could type my anger out of my system then face the world.

This might not be the case for you, but I do hope you post updates and let us know how you are. Have not given up on you, you will have your family.

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger Sparkle said...

I've read and come back to your post a couple of times, but haven't been able to find the right words to write.

For a long time I felt the same, the worst case around, the case that no one else ever wanted to be or become. Even now in my RL, I have a friend starting IVF who I'm sure is scared of becoming a case like me. She even said to me - that the doc hadn't had to mention DE to her yet.

I didn't find any relief from the pain I was feeling, but I did figure out that I had to make a decision to enjoy life while still looking for my solution.

I think I only ever managed to pass myself off as, at least partly normal, because I had my blog and I could type my anger out of my system then face the world.

This might not be the case for you, but I do hope you post updates and let us know how you are. Have not given up on you, you will have your family.

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger Sparkle said...

I've read and come back to your post a couple of times, but haven't been able to find the right words to write.

For a long time I felt the same, the worst case around, the case that no one else ever wanted to be or become. Even now in my RL, I have a friend starting IVF who I'm sure is scared of becoming a case like me. She even said to me - that the doc hadn't had to mention DE to her yet.

I didn't find any relief from the pain I was feeling, but I did figure out that I had to make a decision to enjoy life while still looking for my solution.

I think I only ever managed to pass myself off as, at least partly normal, because I had my blog and I could type my anger out of my system then face the world.

This might not be the case for you, but I do hope you post updates and let us know how you are. Have not given up on you, you will have your family.

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger Drew said...

Nina I pray for good news for you soon. You've been working so incredibly hard at this baby quest, please hang in there, thinking of you hon.xxx

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger Eva said...

Hope you are holding up well.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger JennaM said...

Just wondering how it goes...

Thinking of you.

xoxo
JennaM

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger Lynnette said...

Nina, I hope you are doing well. I can't believe I didn't comment on this post originally. I now have a Google account. I miss your writing, but I understand how you feel. You deserve the best, and I hope you get it. Hugs...

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger JennaM said...

Just thinking of you.

All best,

JennaM

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger Beautiful Curve said...

Nina, I hope you get back on your horse. i check in on you from time to time...

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger Rita said...

I am new to your blog. I've been trying for 7, maybe 8 years now. Nice to meet you
Rita

 

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