Sunday, March 11, 2007

finding it harder and harder

In the past, long has it been now? 4 years? 5, 6?...there have been ups and downs (well, mostly downs) There have been days and weeks when I thought "I cannot do this anymore". But I did always manage to recover, to move on and to take the next step that would hopefully get me towards an increasingly impossible goal.

This time it feels like the grey clouds overhead are lingering. I've yet to make it through a day without some tears. Maybe I would be less bitter/depressed/cynical/pessimistic if even a small part of the past few years had been bearable. It hasn't been. It's pretty much all been crap.
It seems that at every point if there something that could have gone wrong, it did. If there was a way that things could have gotten worse, they did.

We didn't just do IVF cycles, we did long-distance out of town cycles.
8 times.
With not a single penny of insurance coverage.
I didn't just need FSH. I needed massive doses of hormones for 17+ days.
Which still resulted in 2 cancelled cycles.
With not a single penny of insurance.
I didn't just have endometriosis. I lost an ovary and a tube.
On opposite sides, just to make sure that what remains will be completely useless to me.
We didn't get a single moment of even transient happiness (the possibility of a + beta, the hope that maybe this cycle wasn't also a complete bust). (Is it redundant to say 'moment of transient happiness'. Aren't all moments transient by definition?).
And we didn't go through this while everything else was running smoothly.
We went through this while helping my mom deal with cancer and subsequent surgery/chemo/radiation (cycle 2-3), my brother in-law's suicide (cycle 3), job loss (cycle 4-5).
And while my husband was able to provide a shoulder to cry on for a while he can't really handle it anymore. Any weakness/sadness on my part frightens him. He spirals towards depression or looks for an escape. I end up consoling and comforting him telling him "I'm fine. Everything will be okay". But really I'm thinking "I am not fine. Oh my god, when will things get better? I can't take care of you, I need someone to take care of me. Help. Help."

And all the while, nephews and neices (even a grand-nephew) are born.
Co-workers, neighbours and former friends are effortlessly increasing their broods. They are buying sailboats and taking holidays because they have not injected all their savings into their abdomen or ass. They talk about new volvos, and summer camps, and renting cottages for their families. They show me pictures of newborns and birthday parties. I could show them my overflowing sharps container and pictures of 17 now dead embryos. But that's hardly a conversation starter.

Even among bloggers, I have turned out to be a complete loser in this IVF game.
Some of you (newcomers! upstarts!) were fortunate enough to have a short journey.
Others who started this journey along with me are now mothers to 2 or 3 ('we only transferred one embryo and I gave birth to healthy twins!').
I'm a super infertile among pregnant infertiles.
And before you take me for a complete bitch, YES I am happy that you are not dealing with this shit anymore.
I just want to be you, and not me. Okay?
I would trade places with just about anyone right now.

All this is to say, I don't know what to say or do any more.
I am still out there checking on some of you. But I won't be giving anymore tedious, pathetic updates on my life. Not for the next little while. I am tired.

Lynnette, RobberBarren and MannaBanana- wow!
Drew- you've been through so much. I'm really excited for you and the apeman.
Krista- I'm glad things are progressing well.
Thalia, Mare, Lut C, Sparkle- I know you're not exactly in the home stretch, but I am thinking good thoughts for all of you.
Liana, Millie and Pamplemousse- I wish I had half the strength and resilience you do.
Zanity and Zarqa- where are you? I miss you both.
JennaM- I think of you often and I hope everything is well. I love reading your new blog.
Kay- I'm glad you're out there and appreciate the emails.

And to everyone else (julianna, shazz, aurelia etc.) who has offered advice or a kind word: Thank You.
Really, truly.
It has helped. I do appreciate it.