Monday, April 17, 2006

A river in Egypt

In the springtime, there are always a few bugs that manage to crawl their way into our home. Today I found an ant in the bedroom. Did I gently pick it up and take it outside? No. I crushed it. Or I tried. I stepped on it and heard it crunch underfoot. When I looked, it was still alive and trying to crawl away. I stepped on it again and again and it was still alive and squirmy. Tough little guy. I finally had to pick it up and flush it away.

I remember clearly during my first IVF cycle coming across an article about Br00ke Shields. It said she had tried IVF seven times before becoming pregnant. Madness, I thought. What kind of crazy person persists when the odds are clearly against them? If it doesn’t work the first or second time then just accept that it’s not gonna happen. Okay maybe, I conceded, three tries would be needed. We discussed this, my husband and I. Three tries is what we were prepared to do.

So anywho….

I started a cycle just a few days ago. I am not thinking about the details. I have no interest in my estradiol level, or follicle sizes, or lining thickness. I don’t want to know. Today was my 300th injection since all this began. I’ve been keeping track. That doesn’t count all the pokes I’ve endured for various blood tests. I’ve made a reservation at a NY hotel (freakin’ $300 a night. And no it’s not a fancy hotel. And yes, that’s like 8 gazillion Canadian dollars). I haven’t booked a flight. I’m not really convinced that things will progress well enough to actually require a trip to the clinic.

I’m not being pessimistic, really I’m not.
This is a realistic assessment of the situation based on lots and lots of past experience.
A Bayesian analysis of sorts.
The potential success of this IVF cycle (low) is not independent of the (lack of) success seen in past cycles. The cumulative evidence shows that i) I suck at making eggs ii) I suck at making embryos iii) any embryos that are transferred are promptly killed by my uterus.

But there is a chance. It is a tiny chance and we are taking it.
It is madness, but it’s a step I must take before coming to next one. Each time I do this I emerge a little crushed, a little broken. But I'm still here.

I won’t be providing updates on my progress, but here's a little preview what may or may not happen.
Scenario 1: Follicles will grow and estrogen will rise BUT subsequent bloodwork & ultrasounds will show follices have shrunk/disappeared and estrogen has fallen/reached a plateau. We will cancel our trip.
Scenario 2: There will actually be 3-4 follicles and we will book flights to NY. The clinic's bloodwork & ultrasound will show there is no point in proceeding. They will send us home.
Scenario 3: There will be 3-4 follicles which continue to grow. We will make it to retrieval and 1-2 eggs will be retrieved. They will not fertilize or if they do they will not divide. The clinic will send us home.
Scenario 4: Same as #3, but the eggs will fertilize. We will have 1-2 embryos. We will come home. I will rest. I will refrain from lifting heavy things. Two weeks and 14 PIO injections later I will find a single blue line.

Looking at the calendar, if all goes according to schedule the Beta will take place on my birthday or Mother's day. So that'll be swell.


At 12:17 PM, Blogger Millie said...

Just wanted to wish you all the very best for this cycle. I know how hard it can be to cycle when you're not optimistic but I admire you for doing it. Hope you have a great trip to NY. I'll be thinking of you.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger Krista said...

Oh Nina I wish I could say you should be more positive, but really, we all know that we have to be realistic or else we get crushed (or more crushed). So instead I will say that I will wish for a miracle for you, because really.. all babies are miracles, ours are just a little more so

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Sparkle said...

Hoping this goes well for you.

I understand the lack of optimism, what you've been through in the past is tough.

Defence mechanisms kick in, but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

At 4:32 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Enjoy your cruise on the river. It's lovely this time of year.

Good luck with the cycle. I understand your need NOT to talk about it.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger Robber Barren said...

I'm going to quietly keep wishing for Scenario #5 fo you (which I will not detail) and in the meantime completely support your desire to Not Talk About It.

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

The first rule about Egg Club is that we don't talk about Egg Club, right?? I'll hang out with you though, just for company's sake.

At 8:48 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Sweetie you know we are all hoping for scenario 5. Check in when you feel like it, and know that we are all thinking of you.

At 6:50 PM, Blogger avonlea said...

Well, number 7 worked for Brooke... I'm sorry you're following in her foot steps with so many tries. I hear you on not keeping track, it only makes a gal go crazy and you can't control it anyway. I'm for scenario #5 too - double up on those lines.

Did you try for a hotel, $300.00 is a lot and don't forget there will be additional fees and tax.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Oh, and just wanted to add that my fave NY hotel is Hotel Metro. Minutes from Macy's and chicken noodle soup from the basement. Fabulous free breakfast and coffee/tea on tap all day and roof terrace with summer bar. Oh, and views of the Empire State building too. Love it! Check it out on Hey, have you been to Dublin yet??

At 4:03 PM, Blogger ninaB said...

Thanks for the tips re: hotels. I think it's just a busy time of year but I will check out priceline and Hotel metro. The hotel we're in did upgrade us to a suite so that's something!
Dublin visit will be in June. Really really looking forward to it.

At 8:25 PM, Blogger me and m said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8:29 PM, Blogger me and m said...

Come to my blog and see what it's all about. (the second entry...I've just added another)
I've never posted before but I read your blog frequently, and I noticed that you haven't updated it in awhile (which means you probably aren't back from vacation, right?). Hope things are going alright for you!


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