Thursday, May 18, 2006

I dreamt of a baby

What I really wanted to do was curl up under my desk and cry. But they frown upon that in open concept offices. So I just kept working. My husband called around 5:30 asking when I’d be home. I have a lot of work to do I told him. Actually I didn’t have much to do. The truth was, I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to face him. I didn’t want to discuss yet another failure. I didn’t want to talk about next steps. Most of all I didn’t want to face an empty house. What I wanted to do was smash something. Punch a hole in a wall. Kick and scream at something or someone. But you can’t do that at work either. Instead I found a safety pin a carved a small L into my abdomen. L for LOSER.
That was three days ago. I’ve been working late every evening. Focusing on projects and spreadsheets seems easier than having to go home. I haven’t been able to have a conversation with my husband. In fact I haven’t been able to say much at all. I can’t formulate any complete thoughts. I can’t bear to call my mother. I’ve sent emails to my brother and sister asking them not to call me.

I thought I was prepared for this outcome. The HPT on day 9 had come up negative. But there was a little voice telling me ‘it’s too early. There’s still hope.’ The rational side of me knew that the cramps and PMS symptoms were a bad sign. The optimistic side wanted to believe there was a chance. I had steeled myself for the negative result yet when I got the phone call it HURT. It hurt more than the first time, more than the second time. More than all the previous negatives combined.
Because this negative is different.
This one means that I will never have a baby with my husband.

When my nephew was born my brother would send me pictures almost everyday. I wanted so much to be there and hold this wriggling new life. I started having intensely real dreams about Bubba. I could feel and smell him. After a couple of days the baby in this dream began to morph into a different baby. Our baby. It had my husband’s curly hair, my brown eyes, his smile, my long fingers, his perfect toes… I would wake up from these dreams with a vivid picture of what our baby would look like, aching to hold him or her. I thought it was just a matter of time before my baby dream came true.

I thought if I tired hard enough, wanted it enough and did all the right things that I could make this happen. If I tried just one more time maybe the probability gods would favour me. If I just went to the right clinic, did the right procedures, had the surgery, took the vitamins, tried protocol X instead of Y then maybe it would work.

Fuck. I mean FUCK. Just one of those times couldn’t one embryo have stuck around? How could ALL of them be bad? How can other people with endo get pregnant but not me? How can other people with one ovary or one tube get pregnant but not me?
How can my 41 year old lesbian friend get pregnant TWICE with IUIs but I cannot do it even once with 7 tries at IVF? How does my friend’s coke-addict-highschool dropout-living-with-an-ex-con sister get to have FOUR perfectly beautiful babies while I cannot have one?

I am so angry and I am so tired. And I’m fresh out of hope for my baby dream.


18 Comments:

At 3:59 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

This is absolutely devastating news. You have every right to be angry and tired, but I'm truely sorry that you have to be.


I don't know how you even get out of bed. Though everyone has their own coping strategies, I guess.


Take good care of yourself.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger Robber Barren said...

Oh, nina, I'm so, so sorry.

 
At 5:27 PM, Blogger Zarqa said...

Oh, this sucks. It truly unequivocally sucks. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Your anger and hurt are absolutely justified. Just try to take care of yourself as you work to find some peace out of all this.

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Oh, nina, I've been thinking about you since your last post and worried that this was the outcome as we hadn't heard from you in a while.

I can not express to you how sorry I am that you will never have a baby with your husband. And I do not understand why the probability gods have not smiled on you. It sucks.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Krista said...

Nina I am truly sorry for your loss. It is not just the loss of a dream but the loss of hope and expectation that makes this so very, very hard.

I am thinking of you

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger art-sweet said...

delurking to say I'm so very very sorry.

It doesn't make sense why it works for some and doesn't for others. I sure wish I knew why it works this way.

I ached reading about the "L" on your stomach. I know that feeling so well. And I wish no one else shared it.

Big hugs.

art-sweet

 
At 7:36 PM, Blogger DD said...

I am so sorry that this happened.

 
At 8:07 PM, Anonymous Nancy said...

Horrible. Totally unfair. I'm so sorry.

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Nina I'm so terribly sorry. You have a lot of mourning to do. All those babies, all those dreams. It is horrible, it is unfair, it is awful. I wish we could make it better but it will take time, lots of time.

Do try to talk to your husband. He can help. YOu are not in this alone.

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Erin said...

I am so very sorry to hear that this wasn't successful. I hope you are able to find peace after the grieving.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Nina, I am thinking of you and wishing you peace, healing and empathy across the pond.

 
At 3:37 PM, Anonymous Carrie P said...

So sorry.

 
At 3:19 AM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

Oh...Nina...I'm so sorry...please take care of yourself. The safety pin? NO. Stop that. You are not a loser. If you are, then I am, and I just don't accept that. Big hugs. I wish I was there to cheer you up, sweetie. Email me if you ever want to talk.

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Millie said...

I'm so sorry. Just so very, very sorry. This sucks, everywhich way and no doubt about it.

Sending you much love and wishing I could do much more.

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger Sparkle said...

I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

All I can say is to just let yourself feel it, and then worry about what you do next.

My consolation to myself is that for some of us, our eggs just do not like the harsh process of IVF. Even putting age aside, if we didn't have other issues - we'd have a better chance with a natural conception.

Take care.

 
At 11:19 PM, Blogger me and m said...

Nina,
my heart breaks for you.
Remember that you're not alone. We're all in this whole crappy fertility journey together...some of us will go on to have babies, and others are left with our stupid bodies not doing what they were meant to do.

This really and truly is a nightmare for you.
Try to take care,
M

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger JennaM said...

Oh boy, Nina, do I relate to your baby dream calculus, and shit do I wish that things worked because we did a good job planning them.

Stay strong. Wishing you all good things.

xoxo
Jenna

 
At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Found you on Thalia's site. I'm so, so sorry. I am angry for you- you've been through so much. I hope you find some peace in this awful journey that is infertility.

 

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