Wednesday, May 10, 2006

can we just get this over with?

I feel like crap. I've had the worst PMS possible for days now. I'm grumpy, bloated and eating everything in sight. I tested this morning and it came up negative.
I feel negative.
I know, I know. It's not over till beta.
Does anyone really believe that?
I think it's over. I'm not holding out much hope that the beta will show anything different.

I've really given this my best shot.
Four clinics, two countries, seven tries, six doctors.
Flare protocols, long protocols, Antagonists, IVM, co-culture, surgeries, HSGs. I have tried them all. It didn't work. I cannot do this anymore. Stick a fork in me cause I am done.


I've been tagged.
A little delayed....but here are six things you didn't need to know.

1. I am not religious but I am superstitious. I am convinced that I jinxed the whole babymaking thing because I bought a baby outfit when we first started trying. I’m always looking for good or bad signs. I don’t wear my bad luck jeans anymore (I was wearing them when my November cycle was cancelled). I could go on…

2. I am way too competitive. And I’m a sore loser. That’s a bad combination.

3. I love buying skincare and beauty products but I don’t use them. I’m a complete sucker for anything that has a ‘gift with purchase’ and will end up buying cleansers, toners, mascaras, lipsticks, lotions etc. which then sit on a shelf. I basically stick to soap & water. Our bathroom is a mini drugstore of unused products.

4. I have a huge collection of shampoos and conditioners stolen from hotel rooms (mostly Aveda…I don’t bother with the cheap stuff). Hey, when they charge me $200 for a hotel room I expect to be able to keep the shampoo. All this gets added to the collection of skincare and beauty products. I'm a little like those old women who lived through wars and then end up hoarding packets of sugar in their old age.

5. I live walking distance from work. On most days this is great since I really don't like to drive. On the days that I walk past the methadone clinic (with its waiting lines of strung out addicts accompanied by pregnant teenage girlfriends) it’s not so great. And if I take the route that takes me past the Baby Gap it’s not so great either. On days that it’s raining, or really cold outside I could do without the walk. Other than that, I love it.

6. I had a high tolerance for pain. I’m always cutting or burning myself because I use my bare hands to flip bacon or reach into the oven. Four of the IVF retrievals I did were without general anesthetic and I was amazed when they put me under for this latest one (had a very nice nap).I get annoyed though when other people are babies about cuts, burns or bruises.


At 10:55 PM, Blogger Krista said...

Hey Nina - I'm so sorry that you are feeling negative about the cycle. I hope that the beta proves your negative thoughts wrong (but I understand your need to be realistic).

I don't have a high tolerance for pain. I don't know how you do that but I am sure I would be one of the people who would really annoy you :-)

At 2:26 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Nina, I can completely (as you know!) empathise with the hopelessness of the 2ww. I'm sorry that's where you are too. I assume you don't want to share, but I've been trying to figure out when your beta is?

I collect hotel room samples, too, but we have a scheme at work to donate them to a homeless shelter, which gives me a good warm fuzzy feeling so I've gotten really good at getting extras!

Thinking of you.

At 1:03 AM, Blogger Sparkle said...

I hope you're wrong about the negative beta.

As ridiculous as it is to mention it, the signs for pregnancy are exactly the same as the signs for a period for some (me), so don't count anything out. I know when my ivf failed - I had nil symptoms everytime - and used to wake up and just know - some shift in my hormones.

Still keeping my fingers crossed.

At 4:02 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

I am still hoping for you, Nina. I hear you on the toiletries from hotels haha. The Apex hotels in Edinburgh give away little yellow rubber ducks and now I have enough for my own duckpond.

At 8:32 PM, Blogger Krista said...

Hey Nina - just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I hope you are doing ok. If you need anything or would like to talk please feel free to email me.

At 4:58 AM, Blogger Family Ties said...


:( I am so sorry honey. *hug*

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

You have done everything in your power. No wonder you're feeling blue.
Hang in there.

Stealing hotel shampoo? Huh? They throw them away if you don't take them.

At 7:36 PM, Blogger msfitzita said...

A lurker (or am I a stumbler, since this is the first time I've visited your blog?) sending (((hugs))) through the ether.


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