Tuesday, November 29, 2005

one minute ago I was eating nutella straight from the jar

I have decided to cautiously throw caution to the wind.
Today I consumed nutella, a pain au chocolat, a large coffee and all sorts of other things that contain sugar, fat, wheat, and caffeine.

Just yesterday, the temperature was a balmy 12 degrees (celcius). I stepped outside at 11:00pm and it felt like spring. It smelled like spring (but it may just have been the smell of half dead worms squirming on the sidewalk). My husband and I went for a walk. We admired everyones Christmas lights, and peeked in their windows to see what colour they had painting their living rooms. We bought my favourite candy from the corner store, held hands and strolled through the park.
For a few minutes I felt...not happy...but okay. And it felt good to feel okay.

A week ago I awoke to find the ground covered in a thick blanket of snow. I dragged out my boots and cursed my parents for having chosen to emigrate to a frozen tundra. Couldn't they have picked Australia instead?

A month ago I was getting ready for my trip to the Big Clinic in the Big City.

A year ago I found out (while staying with my brother and sister-in-law for Cycle #3) simultaneously, that my my sister-in-laws was pregnant and that my cycle was being cancelled .

Two years ago I found out that there was a good chance that I would never have a baby afterall.

Three years ago I awoke in a hospital bed, minus one ovary.

Four years ago I stupidly purchased a baby outfit thinking "it's too cute to pass up" and "i'll need it soon anyway". [This is the one and only baby item I've ever purchased for myself. I'm convinced I jinxed everything at that moment].

Five years ago it was bliss. My love and I were finally living in the same apartment, in the same city, in the same country. There he was beside me every morning. complete. happiness.


At 8:25 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

oh nina, I'm hoping that you can get back to that feeling of 5 years ago. Or actually a new feeling, which incorporates and acknowledges all the hurt of the sadness in between, but is at least a place where you can both be happy again.

I'm glad you had some ok time yesterday. I'm hoping for more and better to come.

At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was going to comment about how I've been craving Nutella since I watched House Hunters International the other night on HGTV. (This French guy opened up a jar that looked like it came from a warehouse club, HUGE) but I really just wanted you to know I've been feeling the same way. You and Thalia have really hit on some deep feelings, lately, that I can identify with. Sorry.

At 9:50 PM, Blogger Millie said...

I think the nutella is an excellent start! I hope you get more and more 'okay' moments. I wish for you (for all of us) what Thalia said: that you can find a new place where you feel good.

BTW, I did my part this weekend for global warming. You asked for it, right?

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Mmmm Nutella...

About the milestones. One day I decided to quit birth control, the next I'm celebrating our second TTC anniversary. What kind of cake do you eat for one of those?

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Country Chick said...

Dates and memories. Do we do ourselves any good like this? Even if we knew would it stop us? I hope you soon have some lovely memories to start keeping. xx

At 4:11 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

I know, hon, I know. Enjoy that Nutella.

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Sunny said...

Eat and eat and eat! It sure makes life feel better for a moment! Through a drink in there and it is better for a little bit longer. HUGS!


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